Mikel Planomaniac
Deer Mikel,
I have been feeling uncomfortable with a parent of one of the kids my kid hangs out with. The kids are young, single digits, and every time they hang out, because they are a boy and a girl the other parent will often refer to it as a date, and will often joke about them being boyfriend and girlfriend. I am struggling to know how to talk to the parent and put into words why I find this so gross. Can you share your —?
Signed Consciously Uncomfortable
Deer uncomfortable,
I feel this falls into the category of something that is really normalized in our society to say to kids, and here’s why that can be problematic.
Kids want to engage in growing up; when we push/suggest the relationships they are having towards “dating” we aren’t allowing and valuing their friendships for what they are (which we tend to do this with adults too). Our friendships are some of the most valuable connections we have, and nurturing those relationships is just as important as with someone we are dating. The goal should be to find folks that feel supportive, safe, where you can be yourself and grow. Practice our boundaries, emotions, and communicating, and then maybe one day choose to explore dating. Kids in their single digits can have big feelings and appreciation for each other, but the framework of dating is something they will mimic and focus on because we as adults have introduced that idea.
It also brings up our inherited heteronormativity; we wouldn’t make that assumption if it were two kids of the same gender or more queer presenting kids, we are presuming and imposing our framework of relationships to push our kids into a relationship archetype that might not fit them.
This being said, this parent is probably well intentioned and just regurgitating something they have heard time and time again. I would suggest being transparent and letting them know that’s not the relationship framework that you are focusing on with your kids at this point. It’s can be uncomfortable to advocate for our kids, and takes practice and understanding what works best for you. This invites them to understand your perspective; hopefully they are open to understanding your boundaries and your kids can just keep being kids and exploring the wonder of friendship and relationships.
Go you—advocating for your kid!!!
Love Mikel
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